From Motormanmark.com’s digital memory (originally recorded onto a 5.25-inch floppy–when floppy was still an adjective.)
Seventeen years ago, when I was living in Seattle, watching Seinfeld weekly, homesick for NYC, I wrote this script—it kind of just spilled out of me one morning. The funniest part of it to me was the Ouzo reference, as Ouzo is this Greek drink that tastes and looks unremarkable, but will get you drrrunk without you ever knowing it.
SEINFELD
“Jerry’s Scandals”
Monologue #1:
I go to sleep, and, you know, my hands are cold, my feet are cold. I get under the comforter–down. I’m happy. Ten minutes later, my feet are cooking. I stick them out from under the covers. An hour later, I wake, sweat all down my back and legs. I throw off the comforter, wondering what I’ve still got a down comforter on the bed for–it’s spring, after all. Now, I’ve got just a sheet. I flap it a little to cool off. Mmmm. Comfy. Half-hour later, I wake. The part of my arm from the top of the sheet up to the shoulder is frozen numb. My limbs are wrapped around one another like taffy for warmth. My central nervous system is nearly in convulsions.
Does this happen to you? Is it normal? I don’t know, does it have something to do with the down or something.
The way I explain it is there’s this guy in my brain–the midnight shift, sure. Nothing to do on the midnight shift, right? So what’s he do? He roams around, fidgeting. Every ten minutes, he gets up and fools with the thermostat.
ACT ONE
JERRY’S BEDROOM 8 AM
WE FIND JERRY SLEEPING ON HIS SIDE, UPSIDE-DOWN IN HIS BED, ON TOP OF THE COVERS, AND HIS HEAD IS HANGING A LITTLE OVER THE FOOT. BESIDE HIM, GEORGE SLEEPS RIGHT SIDE-UP, THE COVERS PULLED TO HIS CHIN. CLOSE-IN ON JERRY’S FACE. THE PICTURE GOES SQUIGGLY AND THEN CLOUDY. A FUZZY PICTURE OF A MAN AT A DESK APPEARS, BUT THE SHOT IS HAND-HELD AND ROAMS AROUND. AS THE FOCUS CLEARS, IT BECOMES APPARENT THAT WE ARE VIEWING FROM JERRY’S PERSPECTIVE, AND THAT HE IS IN THE OVAL OFFICE. WE HEAR AN ECHOEY VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE PRESIDENT CLINTON’S. AS THE SCENE PROGRESSES, WE NEVER LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE PRESIDENT. JERRY WANDERS CURIOUSLY AROUND THE OFFICE AS HE AND THE PRESIDENT SPEAK. FROM TIME TO TIME, JERRY’S HANDS COME INTO THE FRAME AS HE USES THEM TO HELP HIS WORDS, OR MOVES THEM AS HE WALKS OR PICKS UP OBJECTS.
PRESIDENT
Jerry, I asked you here today, because, frankly, I need a little advice.
CAMERA PULLS AWAY, GAZING OVER THE TOP OF A SIDE TABLE. A MIRROR ON WALL COMES INTO VIEW. WE SEE JERRY LOOK AT HIMSELF, PATTING DOWN A LUMP OF HAIR.
JERRY
Oh, sure. I’m just a man, like you, Mr. President, but I am most willing to share any–dare I call it “wisdom”–I can offer to help you on your honorable mission.
CAMERA GAZES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, PASSING OVER THE PRESIDENT TOO QUICKLY FOR THE VIEWER TO MAKE OUT HIS FACE. JERRY CROSSES THE ROOM AND POKES A FINGER AT A PORCELAIN FIGURINE.
PRESIDENT
Look at this graph, Jerry.
JERRY
(PICKS UP FIGURINE, STUDIES IT MORE CLOSELY) Hm?
PRESIDENT
Jerry, are you looking?
JERRY LOOKS. WE SEE PRESIDENT, SEATED AT HIS DESK. HE HOLDS A GRAPH IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.
JERRY
Yeah, that’s something, Mr. President. What’s that a graph of?
THE CAMERA LOOKS BACK AT THE FIGURINE. AS JERRY’S HANDS SET IT BACK ON THE TABLE, HIS THUMB KNOCKS AN ARM OFF THE LITTLE FIGURE.
QUICKLY, THE CAMERA GLANCES BACK TO THE PRESIDENT, WHO IS STILL HOLDING UP THE GRAPH.
PRESIDENT
This graph projects the possible economic future of this country if we do not find a way to control this doggone deficit.
WE WATCH THE HANDS PUT THE FIGURINE BACK. JERRY DASHES TO THE REAR OF THE ROOM TO A WHITE-LEGGED CAT, ASLEEP ON A PILLOW, EMBROIDERED: “SOCKS. ” HE TOSSES THE CHINA ARM ON THE PILLOW AND SWINGS AROUND JUST AS THE PRESIDENT IS BENDING BACK TO PUT THE GRAPH BACK BEHIND HIS CHAIR. JERRY STROLLS TOWARD THE PRESIDENT, STRETCHING HIS ARMS OUT BEFORE HIM, INTERLOCKING HIS FINGERS AND CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES.
JERRY
The deficit, you say. (GAZES AT CEILING. WANDERS TO PAINTING OF WASHINGTON ON WALL)Tut, tut. I am pleased to report, I can solve your problem in two words, sir. I think old George here was the first, in fact, to say those two words. You know what those two words are, Mr. President–those two words that will turn the economy around for good?” Print money. “
PRESIDENT
Print money?
JERRY
Why, of course. It’s so simple, no one’s ever thought of it. How much do we owe? (LOOKS OUT WINDOW,BREATHES ON WINDOW PANE, DRAWS A HAPPY FACE)
PRESIDENT
It’s nearly three and a half trillion dollars, Jerry.
JERRY
Tell the mint it may take them a long time, but they’d better hop to it. We need three and a half trillion bucks printed, pronto. It’s for the public good, goshdarnit.
GLANCES OVER AT PRESIDENT, WHO HAS HIS BACK TO US AS HE GETS UP FROM CHAIR AND MOVES AROUND THE OTHER SIDE OF DESK. JERRY FOLLOWS, STOPPING AT PRESIDENT’S CHAIR.
PRESIDENT
(STRIDING TOWARD DOOR) Jerry, you’re a genius. I’m gonna do that right away. (PAUSES AT DOOR, REACHING DOWN TO CAT)Say, did I ever introduce you to Socks, our ca—-
JERRY’S GAZE FALLS ON DESKTOP. HIS HANDS CARESS THE INKBLOTTER,WHERE IN BRIGHT RED, “MEETING WITH JERRY TODAY!” HAS BEEN SCRAWLED.
PRESIDENT
A–a–ah!!!!!!!!
SHOT PANS UP FROM DESKTOP AND ROLLS RAPIDLY ACROSS ROOM, PASSING THE PORCELAIN FIGURINE’S ARM THAT THE PRESIDENT’S FINGERS HOLD OUT AT JERRY, AND RIGHT UP TO THE PRESIDENT’S SCREAMING FACE. IT IS KRAMER’S FACE IN THE PRESIDENT’S BODY AND UNDER HIS HAIR.
TRANSITION TO JERRY’S BEDROOM. JERRY, STARTLED IN HIS SLEEP, ROLLS OVER ONTO HIS STOMACH, HIS HEAD STILL HANGING OVER FOOT OF BED. PAN TO GEORGE, ASLEEP WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE. SCREEN SQUIGGLES AND GETS CLOUDY. WE SEE CITY STREET FROM GEORGE’S PERSPECTIVE AS HE WALKS ALONG, IN SLOW MOTION. AN OLD LADY STOPS HIM.
LADY
(IN AN ECHOEY BROOKLYN ACCENT) Excuse me, young man.
GEORGE
(LOOKING DOWN ON HER) Yes, good afternoon. What is it, dear lady?
LADY
Do you know how to get to the Botanical Gardens?
GEORGE
Well, yes, in fact. I do. (HIS FINGER POINTS) First, you go down 79th to Broadway, where you can catch the C train.
LADY
Uptown or downtown?
GEORGE
You take the C downtown to 59th Street, where you have a choice of staying on local, or catching the express–the A train–to Canal Street. At Canal you’ll transfer to the D train. You take the D train to Grand Army Plaza….
A SQUIGGLY, FUZZY SCREEN FUCUSSES AGAIN ON GEORGE’S SLEEPING, SMILING FACE. HE ROLLS ON HIS BACK, KNOCKING AN ARM AGAINST JERRY’S LEG. PAN TO JERRY’S FACE, EYES OPENING. FUZZY VIEW OF THE TAIL OF A LONG, THIN, ORANGE FISH. IMAGE COMES INTO FOCUS AND WE WATCH JERRY’S REACTION TO HIS RECOGNITION OF THE FISH, WHICH LIES UNDER HIS BED.
JERRY
(SURPRISED, LOOKING UNDER BED) A fish.
GEORGE
(WAKING)Huh?
JERRY
A fish. There’s a fish down here.
GEORGE
What’re you talking about?
JERRY
(JERKS UP AWAY FROM FISH)It jumped!
GEORGE
Huh?
JERRY
It’s still alive! (TURNS TO GEORGE, WHO APPEARS CONTENT IN THE BED) There is a live fish jumping under my bed!(PUZZLED) What are you doing?!!!
GEORGE
NOT GETTING IT) Wha–?!
JERRY
You are in my bed! What are you doing in my bed?!
GEORGE
(A LITTLE HOT UNDER THE COLLAR) Oh, come on. You know I slept over.
JERRY
I do not!
GEORGE
(SNEERING) Well, then I guess somebody had a little too much Ouzo last night.
JERRY
(REMEMBERS) Oh, Ron Head’s party. That woman brought
A bottle of Ouzo to Ron Head’s housewarming party.
GEORGE
(SHAKES HEAD, DISAPPOINTED) Josephine. Poor Josephine had to leave Head’s party once you started yelling at her.
JERRY
Yelling! Why would I yell at her?
GEORGE
There. Just like you’re doing now. You wanted her to teach you how to dance. She said she didn’t know any dances. You said she knew how to dance Greek. I told her I swear I never saw you like that. And not only that, but she is a real princess! A real Greek princess. But, did Jerry care? No. You kept yelling, Dance! Dance! Dance! You insisted!
JERRY
(WITHOUT CONVICTION) I did not. I pleaded with her to dance. I did not actually tell her to.
GEORGE
Yes, you did. How conveniently you forget. You insulted a princess! It was embarrassing the way you chased her around the crowded party, with her begging you to leave her alone. Her swearing up and down that she didn’t know how to dance, but you insisting, “Dance! Dance!”
JERRY
She shouldn’t have insisted I drink that… that….
GEORGE
Ouzo.
JERRY
(HUMILIATED, HANDS CREEPING OVER HIS FACE) Ouzo.
GEORGE
But, she didn’t, Jerry, old pal. Remember. Thin-k. “Have a taste,” I think, was her precise wording. And then, for the next two hours you tasted, because you said you couldn’t remember what it reminded you of.
JERRY PULLS HIS HANDS AWAY FROM HIS FACE. HIS TONGUE TASTES HIS LIPS. HIS EYES POP OPEN WIDE.
JERRY
(AS IF HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG): Licorice. But, what are you doing sleeping in my bed?!
GEORGE
(TAKES A MOMENT TO STEP UPON THIS NEW TRAIN OF THOUGHT. SMILES. ) You really don’t remember, do you?
JERRY
No!
GEORGE
I slept over!
JERRY
I know! I can see that. What are you doing in my bed?!
GEORGE
(LAYS BACK, AS IF SUDDENLY UNDERSTANDING THE HARMLESSNESS OF JERRY’S QUESTION. ) Oh. Elaine’s got the couch. (HE LOOKS CLOSER AT JERRY)You really don’t remember a thing, do you?
JERRY
I just can’t believe I let you sleep in my bed.
GEORGE
Yeah, well you did say it was too small. And you insisted on sleeping upside-down.
JERRY
Of course. When the bed is too small, one person’s supposed to sleep upside-down.
GEORGE
Where did you hear that?
JERRY
You don’t know that?
GEORGE
I guess it makes sense. I just never heard it.
JERRY
Sure.
KRAMER STICKS A WET HEAD OUT OF THE BATHROOM DOORWAY.
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry? Do you have bath talc?
JERRY
(THROWS HIS HANDS UP) Kramer! What is Kramer doing here?
KRAMER
I told you yesterday I’d need to borrow your bathroom. Mine’s getting a new ceiling today. (JERRY NODS, REMEMBERING)I would have asked you again on my way in, but you guys were asleep.
KRAMER SPOTS THE FISH AND STRIDES OVER, A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST. HE PICKS THE FISH UP AND DROPS IT INTO A SMALL FISHBOWL ATOP THE CHEST OF DRAWERS. JERRY LIFTS A CHINESE FOOD CARTON FROM THE CARPET.
JERRY
(SLAPPING FOREHEAD) Chinatown.
GEORGE
(NODS)After the party you insisted we go to Chinatown. Wo Hop Restaurant. You said they had the best Moo Goo Gai Pan in town.
KRAMER
(FURIOUSLY SHAKING HIS HEAD) Noooo. Empire Schzechuan in the Village.
JERRY
Wo Hop.
KRAMER
Nooooo. Empire.
JERRY
Wo Hop.
KRAMER
(LOOKS BUGEYED AT JERRY, TURNS TO GEORGE)How’d the party go last night at… what’s his name? Face?
GEORGE AND JERRY LAUGH KNOWINGLY TO EACH OTHER.
KRAMER
What? What?
GEORGE
His name is Head–Ron Head.
JERRY
George and I were laughing about the first time we met the guy.
KRAMER
It has something to do with his name, doesn’t it? Go on, tell me.
JERRY
Well, I can’t see that it’s still that funny.
GEORGE
(GENEROUSLY) Tell him, tell him.
KRAMER
What?!
JERRY
Well, we were in junior high.
GEORGE
P. S. 161.
JERRY
Yeah, that’s right. (VOICE FADES, ECHOING)It was P. S. 161….
FADE TO SCHOOL CAFETERIA FULL OF LITTLE KIDS. IN THE FOREGROUND, JERRY AND GEORGE SIT, DRESSED IN TOO TIGHTLY FITTING KIDS’ CLOTHES. JERRY HAS A “HEE HAW” LUNCHBOX. HE IS BLOWING BUBBLES IN HIS MILK CARTON, SO THAT IT OVERFLOWS LIKE A VOLCANO.
GEORGE
Ew! You brought tuna fish?!
JERRY
Sure. Why?
GEORGE
That’s gross.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Tuna fish. Man, your family must be out of food!
JERRY
Watch it. At least I don’t get salami so I’ll get all fat like you.
GEORGE LOOKS AT JERRY, REALLY PISSED. JERRY WATCHES GEORGE, GETS SCARED.
JERRY
(BLURTS)Syke!
GEORGE
Shut up.
JERRY
You shut up. I was joking.
GEORGE
You were not.
JERRY
I said, psyche.
GEORGE
You waited too long.
JERRY
I did not.
THEY SIT THERE, ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER. GEORGE SPOTS RON HEAD [PLAYED BY A 13-YEAR OLD] COMING THEIR WAY.
GEORGE
Hey, here comes Head.
JERRY
Huh?
GEORGE
Ron Head.
JERRY
(EYES WIDE WITH THE POSSIBILITIES)His last name’s Head?
GEORGE
(BEAMING)Yeah.
JERRY
Are you sure?
GEORGE NODS. JERRY LEANS OVER AND THEY WHISPER TO EACH OTHER. RON HEAD WALKS BY.
GEORGE
Hey, Ron.
RON
Hi, George.
GEORGE
Do you know Jerry Seinfeld?
RON SAYS HELLO TO JERRY AND SITS BETWEEN THEM.
GEORGE
So, Ron. How’d it go in Language Arts? I heard the test was hard.
RON
It sure was. Compound sentences. You really got to know when to use a comma. That’s the tough part.
JERRY
Yeah. It sounds like you really’ve got to use your head.
GEORGE AND JERRY HOLD BACK CRACKING UP. RON EATS HIS LUNCH, OBLIVIOUS.
RON
But, I think I did all right.
GEORGE
Oh, well. That’s good. It ought to move you right to the head of the class.
JERRY
I think you hit the nail right on the head there, Georgie.
RON STILL DOESN’T GET IT, BUT HE NOTICES GEORGE IS LAUGHING. RON LOOKS TO JERRY, WHO COVERS.
JERRY
Hey, Ron. Wasn’t that funny the way Gilligan got hypnotized into thinking he was Mrs. Howell last night?
RON NODS, OPENS CARTON OF MILK.
GEORGE
Yeah. That was funny. He was lucky that coconut fell on his head or he might still be hypnotized.
JERRY CRINGES. RON LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY AT BOTH OF THEM.
RON
What are you talking about? Oh, you guys are jerks. You’re soooo intimidated by something just a bit out of the norm. What idiots. You can’t handle it that my name is a little odd. You guys are… anal.
RON TAKES HIS LUNCH AND WALKS OFF IN A HUFF.
JERRY
What’d you say Gilligan was hit in the head with a coconut for? I didn’t say he had amnesia. I said he was hypnotized!
GEORGE
Are you trying to say a coconut falling on his head has never brought Gilligan out of hypnosis?
JERRY
Never.
GEORGE
Well, you’re wrong.
JERRY
Am not.
GEORGE
You’re wrong and that’s it.
JERRY
You’re nuts.
SCREEN GETS SQUIGGLY AND CLOUDY. TRANSITION TO JERRY’S BEDROOM.
JERRY
But, we grew up with Ron, and, over time, he couldn’t help but be friends with us. And, that’s why Ron Head invited us to his housewarming party last night.
GEORGE
You didn’t miss anything. How’d your night with Alice go?
KRAMER
(CORRECTS): Alicia. (THINKS FOR A MOMENT) It went fine. But… Can I ask you guys something? You’ve both seen Alicia, right? And have you ever noticed she looks a little like… Elaine.
BOTH JERRY AND GEORGE EMPHATICALLY DENY IT.
GEORGE
(DECISIVELY)No way. Elaine is prettier.
JERRY
(LIFTS EYEBROWS, HINTING TO GEORGE TO CORRECT HIS STATEMENT) But, you wouldn’t say Elaine was prettier
than ALICIA, would you?
GEORGE
Did I say that? No. I meant she’s prettier in her own zone of attractiveness. They are both completely different, and, of course, conversely Alicia is prettier in her zone. But, my point is that they are totally different looking.
JERRY
Yes. I’d say Alicia looks nothing like Elaine. Elaine, in fact, looks nothing like Alicia.
KRAMER
(NODS, STUDYING THEIR SINCERITY)I don’t know, because lately I’ve been seeing Elaine–or something that looks like Elaine–when I look at Alicia–
IN RAPID SUCCESSION:
GEORGE:No.
JERRY: Nah.
GEORGE:I wouldn’t let it bother me.
JERRY: Ignore it.
GEORGE:Think nothing of it.
JERRY: Forget it.
KRAMER
(NODS, A LITTLE RELIEVED. EYES WANDER TO THE BUREAU) Where’d the fish come from?
JERRY
That’s what we were talking about. We went to Chinatown last night.
GEORGE
He bought it right out of the window of the restaurant. He kept calling it ‘fishy. ‘
KRAMER SNICKERS.
JERRY
(LIKE GEORGE IS NUTS)Fishy?
GEORGE
Yeah. You don’t remember? You kept calling to it, over and over: ‘Fishy, fishy, fishy. ‘In the taxicab all the way home: ‘Fishy, fishy, fishy. ‘
JERRY
You’re crazy.
KRAMER
No, Jerry. I can back George up on this one. It was two or three in the morning. I heard you coming home. I thought you had a flaming hot chickee boom-boom. (SMILES, NUDGES JERRY. )I thought you were saying, Kissy, kissy, kissy!(SMILES, HIS EYEBROWS DANCING. )
JERRY
(LAMENTS)Ouzo….
KRAMER
(EYES POP OPEN. HE COOS, STARING INTO THE AIR) Ouzo….
END OF SCENE ONE.
Monologue #2:
You know those people whose apartments are full of thriving, lush, green houseplants? You know who they are? They are the same ones who–back in eighth grade–had the power to grow fish like weeds. You remember. Most of them would have aquariums crammed with all kinds of fish, and they’d be always in the pet shop scooping out more: zebra fish, angel fish, sword-tails, and–my personal favorite–the Siamese fighting fish.
The cooler cats of them, though, wouldn’t be caught dead in a pet shop, but to make that one, initial purchase. They’d keep one fish for the entire span of its life. Having no fellow fish to cramp its growth, that fish would grow and grow, eventually getting to the size of a flank steak. It would swish to one side of the tank, then, turn around and swish to the other side, pacing back and forth across that tank all day, just waiting to be fed.
Which brings up the reason my fish raising endeavors always failed: Fish will eat themselves to death. Fish get so hungry they commonly snack on one another’s body parts. Could you imagine being in a fish MacDonald’s:
Would you like an order of fries with your McSquid?
Hmmm…. Actually, I think I’ll just have a few bites of your gill.
Go right ahead… Don’t worry… I regenerate.
ACT TWO
JERRY’S LIVING ROOM. JERRY HAS ELAINE BUTTONHOLED ON THE SOFA. GEORGE STANDS OVER, FLIPPING THROUGH A MAGAZINE.
JERRY
Now, I want you to be truthful with me. Do not spare my feelings. George says I was rude to Josephine. Would you say I was rude to Josephine?
ELAINE
Rude? Jerry, you tried to force her to dance–you were contemptuous. You were loutish. I haven’t ever seen you so… uncivilized.
GEORGE
Josephine’s a real princess, too, you know.
JERRY
(IRRITATED)I know, I know. (TURNS, LOOKING HELPLESSLY TO ELAINE, THEN BACK TO GEORGE. THEY ARE SERIOUS. TURNS BACK TO ELAINE WITH AN IDEA. ) Okay. Let’s forget she’s a real princess. Let’s just say, this is New York where all people are somewhat on equal ground. Okay? Let’s say she’s not a princess. You tell me. Was I still rude?
ELAINE
Yes.
GEORGE
Oh, sure.
KRAMER
(ENTERS FROM BEDROOM, CARRYING FISHBOWL. TO JERRY):
You’re sure it’s all right?
JERRY WAVES KRAMER OUT THE DOOR. KRAMER MEETS EYES WITH ELAINE, STARES, STUNNED FOR A MOMENT, THEN RUSHES OUT THE DOOR, SPOOKED. ELAINE IS PUZZLED.
GEORGE
(CLAPPING HIS HANDS TOGETHER)Ready to get some breakfast? (ELAINE SAYS YES. JERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD, NO, STARING AT THE FLOOR. ) Wha? You’re not coming?
JERRY
No. You guys go on. I’m going to stay home today.
GEORGE
Why? Come on. It’s a beautiful day. You’ll feel better.
ELAINE
I know. He’s embarrassed. Jerry can’t stand it, because he actually let his hair down a little last night.
JERRY
(HOLDING A LOCK OUT TO ELAINE)My hair doesn’t hang down.
GEORGE
Ah, don’t worry about it. I get humiliated all the time. The important thing is to know how to get right back on your horse again.
ELAINE
That’s right. You need to get right back in the saddle.
GEORGE
The saddle!
JERRY
(EYEBROWS RAISED, THOUGHTFUL) I like the Western theme here, but….
ELAINE
You need to get right out into society again. It’s the coffee shop now, or the next entire month spent locked in here with the blinds drawn.
GEORGE
Coffee shop.
JERRY
No. I’m not in the mood.
ELAINE
Yeah, well you’d better get in the mood, bub. I didn’t complain last night when you got me all the way out to Long Island to some party for Ron Foot–
JERRY
His name’s Head.
ELAINE
(LAUGHING)Oh, yeah, that’s right–Head.
ELAINE CONTINUES LAUGHING. GEORGE AND JERRY WAIT IMPATIENTLY FOR HER TO STOP.
JERRY
All right, all right.
ELAINE
‘All right, all right’? You’re a comedian. His last name’s Head!
JERRY
All right. But, you don’t have to get hysterical.
ELAINE
(TURNING GRIM)Oh, Jerry. If you think this is bad, you should’ve seen what happened at the party.
JERRY
I knew I shouldn’t have taken you. What did you do?
ELAINE
Well. I remember, I was with that guy–Ben–did you meet him? He was on leave from a fishing vessel he worked on.
SCREEN FADES TO RON HEAD’S LIVING ROOM. BLURRY IMAGE OF ELAINE WITH A BEER STANDING AT THE FRINGES OF A COCKTAIL PARTY. SHE IS TALKING WITH A BURLY GUY.
ELAINE
So, Ben. What’s your job on the boat?
BEN
Guttin’. I can gut up to two thousand fish a day without sweatin’.
ELAINE
Boy. That must be hard work.
BEN
S’all right. All I do is think of my next shore leave and the next lady who’s smell’ll hold me over throughout my next three months asea.
ELAINE
Smell?
BEN NODS, HIS EYES GLAZED OVER A BIT. HE SEEMS TO BE SMELLING THE AIR.
ELAINE
(LOUDLY)Uh, so Ben.
BEN SNAPS OUT OF IT.
ELAINE
Have you known Ron Head long?(NODDING TOWARD GUY [AN OLDER VERSION OF KID IN CAFETERIA] WHO IS COMING THEIR WAY. )
BEN
Oh, yeah, sure. Which one’s he?
RON HEAD COMES OVER AND GETS BETWEEN ELAINE AND BEN.
RON
(VERY NICE, FRIENDLY)Elaine, right?
ELAINE
Right. You’re… Ron.
RON
I see you’ve met Ben, my brother’s friend. (GIVES A KNOWING SIDE GLANCE TO ELAINE)Ben, why don’t you go check out the widow’s walk on the third floor.
BEN’S EYES LIGHT UP. HE MOVES AWAY. RON AND ELAINE ARE
POSITIONED FOR CONVERSATION. BEN STOPS AND TURNS.
BEN
(LOUDLY ENOUGH TO DRAW THE HUSHED ATTENTION OF THE OTHERS AT THE PARTY)Say, Ron. Where’s the head?
ELAINE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. NO ONE ELSE LAUGHS. SHE STIFLES HERSELF, TURNING RED IN THE GLARE OF ALL THOSE PRESENT. IN THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWS, WE HEAR GEORGE AND JERRY’S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND.
GEORGE
For Godsakes, Jerry. She’s a princess!
JERRY
Dance! Dance, I say!
TRANSITION TO…
JERRY’S LIVING ROOM. THE BUZZER BUZZES. JERRY ANSWERS. IT’S PRINCESS JOSEPHINE. JERRY BUZZES HER IN AND RUNS TO THE SOFA, LOOKING TO HIS FRIENDS FOR AN ANSWER.
GEORGE
(SMILING)Is it Josie? You know, I really enjoyed her company.
ELAINE
I just hope she didn’t bring any Ouzo along this time, ’cause you-know-who is here.
JERRY
Cut it out.
KRAMER COMES IN THE DOOR. HE GETS BUTTER FROM THE FRIDGE AND RETURNS, PASSING BY ELAINE. GIVES ELAINE A GOOD LOOK AND TURNS AWAY, SHIVERING. )
ELAINE
(PROTESTS)Kramer!
KRAMER IS GONE. JOSEPHINE COMES IN THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR. A LARGE, GREEK-LOOKING FRIEND OF HERS WAITS IN THE DOORWAY, EXPRESSIONLESS.
JERRY POSITIONS HIMSELF BETWEEN HER AND HIS FRIENDS, PREPARED FOR HIS COMEUPPANCE.
JERRY
Hi, Josephine.
JOSEPHINE NODS IN RESPONSE, LOOKING SOMBER. SHE LOOKS AROUND JERRY TO GEORGE AND ELAINE. SHE WAVES, THEY WAVE.
JOSEPHINE
I have something to say to you Jerry. (DRAWS A QUIVERING BREATH)Last night, you tried to force me todance.
JERRY
(HUMILIATED)Yes. And I wanted to say–
JOSEPHINE
I thought you to be an ignoramus the way you utterly refused to believe me. You drank up all the Ouzo, while hollering at me, ‘You know how to dance! You are Greek! Dance! Dance! Dance!’
THE PRINCESS BREAKS DOWN, SOBBING. ELAINE AND GEORGE LOOK UPON JERRY AS A BEAST. REAL, TRUE SORROW CROSSES JERRY’S FACE.
JOSEPHINE
When I got home last night, I couldn’t stop crying. Here, I’ve come to America! I expected to blend in as just another New Yorker–not as a Greek princess—and I’ve received my first real lesson in life: I must never deny my heritage. Jerry Seinfeld, I ADMIT IT! YOU ARE RIGHT! I CAN DANCE!
THE PRINCESS TRIUMPHANTLY WHIPS OFF HER OVERCOAT, REVEALING A BELLY DANCING COSTUME. HER FRIEND WHIPS OUT A PORTABLE STEREO AND PUNCHES ON SOME GREEK MUSIC. SHE SNIFFS BACK TEARS OVER A BROADENING SMILE, AS SHE BEGINS TO BELLY DANCE. THE MORE SHE DANCES, THE FREER SHE BECOMES, PULLING HER HAIR LOOSE, THROWING BACK HER HEAD.
ELAINE
Lively.
GEORGE
Sensuous.
KRAMER
(APPEARING AT THE DOOR) Undulant.
JOSEPHINE
(AS SHE JIGGLES)It is called the Tsiphte Teli. I’ve known it since I was a girl.
THE DANCE CONCLUDES AND, AS ELAINE AND GEORGE THANK THE PRINCESS, KRAMER ASKS JERRY FOR TARRAGON. HE GOES THROUGH THE KITCHEN CABINETS AND EXITS WITH AN ARMLOAD OF SPICES.
JOSEPHINE
No, I must thank Jerry! He brought me back to life! In his aggressive, dominant American way, he forced me to recall my heritage. I will never stop dancing again. To celebrate, Theodore and I are going to Washington Square Park where I will dance for free to thank all Americans for the contribution of this one!
SHE DANCES OUT THE DOOR. THERE IS SILENCE IN THE ROOM AS THE THREE OF THEM SIT, THINKING.
GEORGE
(TO ELAINE)Now, is it the A train that stops a block from Washington Square?
ELAINE
(NODDING, GETTING UP WITH GEORGE, THE TWO OF THEM HEADING FOR THE DOOR) No, we can take the C train, too. Either one stops there.
JERRY
Hey! I thought we were going to the coffee shop?
GEORGE OPENS THE DOOR. KRAMER APPEARS WITH A PLATE IN ONE HAND, A FORK IN THE OTHER. HE EXCHANGES COMMENTS WITH GEORGE, DISAPPOINTED TO FIND THAT THE PRINCESS HAS GONE. HE AVOIDS ELAINE’S GAZE. ELAINE WAITS IN THE DOORWAY, STANDING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HIM.
ELAINE
(STARING UP AT KRAMER, WHO STARES CALMLY AT THE CEILING) What’s the matter with him?
GEORGE
Can you keep a secret? (KRAMER TRIES TO PROTEST, BUT HEIS STILL UNWILLING TO BRING HIS HEAD DOWN.) Kramer thinks Alicia looks like you.
ELAINE
(GETTING IT RIGHT AWAY) Oh, I see. (KRAMER LOOKS DOWN AT HER. ) You know, Kramer. I’ve noticed all your girlfriends look a little like me. (ELAINE EXITS.)
JERRY GETS TO THE DOOR AND FACES KRAMER, WHO LOOKS BLANKLY BACK. JERRY CURIOUSLY GLANCES STRAIGHT DOWN ONTO KRAMER’S PLATE.
JERRY
Fishy!
END OF PART TWO.
Ending Monologue:
I want to know: who was the first human to get the craving for fish? I mean, can you imagine how that came about?
Honey, I’m home. And I brought a slippery aquatic vertebrate!
Oh, did you? Let me see. Hmm…, smells pretty bad.
I think we should eat him.
But he’s covered with sharp, hard scales, dear.
He’s good.
But he’s got those inky eyeballs and he’s all sticky.
Yum.
Look there’s an apple tree. Let’s eat.
No. I’m eatin this guy.
But, he’s a filmy mess.
Hmmm… Filmy: fi…. Mess: ess… fi-ess, fesss, fisss-sh.
But, we do eat them. In fact, we eat them raw.
Now, I can see eating fish sticks. They’re sticks! You can line them up on bread and put mayo and lettuce and tomato on them. They’re good. No bones, no smell, no stickiness, no eyeballs.
But the fish stick people know this. Don’t think they don’t. They sit up there in their ivory towers, plotting:
Hmmm…. Well, they’ll eat the sticks, but they won’t eat the slabs of fish. So, what d’you say we do?
Hey! What do you say we make fish patties?
(NODDING)Smiles all around the Fish Stick Corporation.
(CHEWS, STOPS SHORT.)
A-a-a- But, hold it, partner. Not so fast. What’s this bone here?
I actually sent the script to Castle Rock Entertainment, dreaming of Hollywood fame and fortune. Long after it was returned rejected, the show did use the joke about sleeping head-to-toe, but phrased it funnier. …That’s not to say they even read my script. I’m sure they didn’t. Just that creative ideas are not as original or as special as we’d like to believe, but rather very necessary steps forward in our cultural path. I’d better shut up before I end up writing another blog.